What is Reasonable Discipline?
The law presently allows parents to use "reasonable force" to discipline children. What is reasonable depends on the situation, but many forms of physical punishment that were used in the past are unacceptable today, such as tying or locking children up.
Any form of physical discipline that requires medical attention, or results in bruising, welts or broken skin, is not considered reasonable discipline. Using belts, electrical cords or other objects to discipline a child can cause serious harm.
Alternatives to Physical Discipline
Good disciplnary practices include:
- Positive reinforcement
- Praise
- Modeling
- Structure and routine
- Setting and maintaining limits
- Realistic expectations and following through
- Verbal and non-verbal cues
- Time outs
- Logical consequences
- Problem-solving
Spanking: Should I or Shouldn't I?
Excerpts from a booklet written by Dr. Linda Rose-Krasnor of Brock University and Dr. Joan E. Durrant of the University of Manitoba
What is Discipline?
Through discipline, parents teach their children what they should and should not do to grow up to be happy and competent people. Parents use many different methods of discipline. These include showing, explaining, and encouraging behaviours they want the child to perform and punishing behaviours they want the child to stop doing. Spanking is one form of punishment that some parents use to try to change their children's behaviour.
Is spanking good for kids?
This question has been studied for many years. Again and again, researchers have found that spanking is not a good way for parents to teach their children how to behave. Contrary to what many people believe, children who receive physical punishment tend to have more behaviour problems than those who aren't spanked. Children who are spanked grow up to believe that hitting other people is okay. As children, they are more likely to be aggressive with other children. As adults, they are more likely to resolve conflicts with their spouses and their own children with violence.Spanking also teaches children to be good out of fear of being hit. They learn that bad behaviour is okay as long as they aren't caught doing it. It is far preferable for children to be good because they have learned the reasons for being good. We need to help children to develop self-discipline, understanding of other's feelings, and good judgment. It takes much more than the threat of being hurt to guide good behaviour.
What Can I do Instead?
There are many effective alternatives to spanking. It is always preferable to prevent misbehaviour rather than punishing it afterwards. But when it happens, you need to control your anger and then respond in a way that will teach your child what you want her to do.
For Infants
Babies who have learned to crawl suddenly find the whole world is available to them. It can be hard to keep up with a one-year-old's activities! It is very important to babies' development that they are allowed to explore so that they can learn about the objects in their environment.
Create a baby-friendly environment. Your baby should be able to explore freely without you having to worry about injuries.
Remove objects that are breakable, sharp, electrical, or can be toppled over,
- plug up electrical outlets
- put cords out of reach
- install stair-gates
- put locks on cupboards containing knives, toxic substances, etc.
Grab; don't slap hands that touch dangerous things. This will prevent injury just as effectively.
Distract the child's attention from activities that are dangerous. It is easy to get an infant interested in another activity if you make it look exciting.
Control your temper. When you get frustrated, put the baby in a crib or playpen and leave the room until you have calmed down.
Understand that a baby communicates through crying. She is expressing a need, not trying to annoy you. It is important to respond to her cries so that she learns to trust you to meet her needs.
For Toddlers and Preschoolers
As children go through toddler hood, they become more and more independent. They frequently refuse to do things that their parents want them to do, to eat things their parents want them to eat, and to go where their parents want them to go. Sometimes, this behaviour looks like defiance. But it is actually a very normal and important part of developing an independent identity. Childproof your home. Small hands can't touch the VCR if it is out of reach.
- turn pot handles toward the centre of the stove and put breakables behind locked doors or on a high shelf
- keep poisonous substances and dangerous objects locked up
- cover electrical outlets with childproof plugs
Give choices to your child. Tell him that he can choose to eat the broccoli or the carrots. This approach allows your child to make an independent choice and allows no room for refusals.
Provide activities to prevent boredom - especially in situations where the child has to wait or keep still for a long period of time, such as in the doctor's office, on trips, in airports, etc.
Some materials that can keep children busy for long periods of time are paper, crayons, blocks, blackboards, books, paints, dollhouses, toy cars, and games. Get to know what your child finds interesting and make it easily accessible to her.
Plan for transitional times. Many parents find that the greatest problems occur when they try to move a child from one situation to another. Children don't like to be interrupted or have sudden changes in their activities. You can help to prevent problems by letting the child know what is going to happen and when it will happen. Remind him a few times that, for example, "we will be leaving in a few minutes." If he is prepared for the change, he will be more likely to co-operate with you.
Show and tell your child what you want her to do. Show her by example. Acknowledge and reward her attempts to be good, even if they're not perfect. Children need clear guidelines and good models in order to learn.
Hold or carry your child if he does something dangerous or refuses to walk with you.
Understand why your child might be misbehaving. For example, young children are very easily frightened. Sometimes they don't want to go to bed because they believe a monster is in the room. It is important to be aware of the possibility that your child is afraid and to help her cope with her fear. For example, you could check the closets and the space under the bed with her before you tuck her in.Young children also misbehave when they are tired, getting sick, hungry, extremely excited, or worried about something else. An understanding of the reasons for misbehaviour can lead quickly to solutions.
Show your disappointment or fear instead of spanking. If your child runs into the street, grab him. Get down to his eye level, look directly at him, and tell him how scared you are. This will have as much impact as hitting him would and communicates much more.
Show your happiness when your child does something that pleases you. Children want their parents' approval and need to know what will earn it.
Give attention to your child. You will not spoil your child by playing with her, holding her, reading to her, or talking to her. Children need to know that their needs matter and that their parents are listening to them.
Don't sweat the small stuff. Decide what is worth making a fuss about and what is not. Ignore those misbehaviours that don't really matter and remember that children learn a great deal through trial-and-error. Those misbehaviours that cannot be ignored should be met with non-physical consequences, such as a clear statement of the rule, an explanation of what could happen if the rule is not followed, and re-structuring of the environment to prevent dangerous behaviour.
For School-Age Children
When children enter school, they are old enough to start making some of their own decisions. This means that they may not always listen to their parents, but may do things that their friends approve of. It is very important to children to feel part of a group. Therefore, parents need to provide clear rules and, more importantly, to explain to their children why they should follow those rules. Parents need to help their children understand the consequences of their actions, but must also recognize that much learning at this age is done first-hand. There will be times when children are hurt physically or emotionally, and parents need to provide support. If your child can trust you to guide him gently through these years without harsh punishments, he is likely to be more open and honest with you and to come to you for help, rather than fearing you and turning to other children for advice and support.
Focus on the positive things that your child does. Many times, we tell children what we don't want them to do, but we neglect to let them know what we do want them to do. The best way to communicate what you would like your child to do is by recognizing his good behaviour and reinforcing it. Reinforcement can be an outing for pizza, a favourite meal, a special video, or simply a hug or a comment like, "That's good," or "I'm proud of you," or "I love you." Children are learning what we expect of them. They cannot learn this if we don't tell them what we think is important.
Remove yourself from the situation if you feel yourself getting angry. Remember that your children value your attention, so when they lose it they are actually being punished while you are calming down.
Hold the child firmly by the shoulders, look directly into your child's eyes, and speak firmly when you want to make a point.
Be consistent in your expectations and responses to misbehaviour. Try to ensure that all caregivers respond in the same way. Consistency is an effective teacher.
Open channels of communication so that you and your child can express your needs in ways that resolve, rather than increase, conflict.
Teach and model negotiation and problem-solving strategies. Show your child how impulse and anger control can lead to constructive ways of resolving disagreements.
Give explanations for why you want your child to behave in a particular way and hear his explanation for why he misbehaved. Let him know the likely consequences of his actions. Give him the information he needs to make wise choices.
Understand your child's growing need for independence. Help her to find ways of expressing her individuality that you can accept.
Set clear rules and follow through. If you threaten a consequence for misbehaviour, follow through with it. Make your words count. Just make sure that the consequence is fair and enforceable. No parent can make a child stay in his room for two weeks, nor should they. But if your child rides his bike into an area where he is not allowed to go, it would follow that he loses the use of his bike for a day - or longer, depending on the seriousness of the misbehaviour.
Child Well-Being Indicators
All people have a variety of needs for happy and healthy living. Basic physical, safety, belonging and self-esteem needs must be met for children to grow into happy and healthy adults. The following standards of care are essential to meet those needs:
Physical Needs
- Children's most basic needs include nutritious food, water, shelter, cleanliness and health care.
- Children need regular and ample meals that usually meet basic nutritional requirements.
- Children need physical hygiene, all essential clothing items and cleanliness in the home.
- Children need good health care when ill, in addition to regular medical check-ups.
Safety Needs
- Children must be safe from injury or neglect, physical or sexual abuse and emotional hurt at home and in the community.
- Parents or caregivers must be capable of and willing to provide childcare.
- Parents or caregivers must supervise the child's activities inside and outside the home.
- Parents or caregivers must make safe child care arrangements and protect their children from risk of third party abuse.
- Parents or caregivers must not physically or sexually abuse or provoke a child or allow others to do so.
- Parents or caregivers must provide safe shelter in the home environment.
- Parents or caregivers must resolve conflict between adults in the home without physical violence.
Belonging Needs
- Children need continuous loving care from parents or caregivers.
- Children need consistent physical, mental and emotional care.
- Children need to know that care will not be withdrawn.
- Children need a positive environment to give and get respect, to learn and to relate to others.
- Children need positive family relations with mutual tolerance and good conflict resolution.
- Methods of discipline should be non-physical and non-assaultive with no physical or verbal threats of abuse or harm.
- Children need opportunities and encouragement to participate in the community and in their cultural heritage.
Growth
- With physical, spiritual, safety, belonging and self-esteem needs met, a child is able to grow, enjoy life and help others to grow.
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